An Extract of Promise
Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.
Arthur Schopenhauer
“I’m sorry” you said. And then you left.
But with you leaving, I lost so much more than that.
And as I sit here, day on day repeating.
The nights are becoming longer and harder.
I am reminded, that you weren’t just the gatekeeper of my heart;
But you were also the gatekeeper to all things good.
It was having a soldier to fight away my intrusive thoughts;
Now my thoughts are take over every bone in my body.
It was the feelings of warmth when the nights seemed long and cold;
Now I have no warmth, for the future seems so cold and uncertain.
It was the constant reminder that I would get through this;
Now it’s enough that I’m getting through the days.
It was the knowledge that some I’d be able to return to something good;
Now the uncertainty of what I return to fills me with fear.
It was having the reassurance that I was enough, as I was;
Now I can feel my own worthiness slipping away, failure my old friend.
It was knowing that my support network was a message away;
Now I crave knowing that someone was there to always listen.
It was the sleepless nights made easier by thinking of you;
Now I think of what is to come, and how much I have lost in this short life.
It was the touch that triumphed my own traumas;
Now my traumas are beginning to triumph once again.
It was helping me rediscover my sexuality, that I was deserving;
Now it’s shutting off again, I was never worth it and might never be.
It was being occupied by good, enough to stop the toxic and bad;
Now the bad gets bigger and harder and tougher, every single day.
It was looking at you, and feeling that all was alright with the world;
Now I stare blankly into the distance, the night sky & darkness.
It was seeing you stare back at me, reminding me that I still had worth;
Now my worth is slipping away, and with it, I feel I am doing the same.
It was the little fires that help fuel faith, hope and conviction;
Now the fires are small flames, and soon they will be extinguished.
