An Extract of Deep Water

Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.
Margaret Atwood

All my future days are looking bleak and tragic;
All my choices made have been wreaking havoc.
You’ve always prided yourself on being an iron curtain;
Never letting a drop of pain seethe this beautiful fabric.
Life’s driven you crazy, yet you still sat calmly in the traffic;
But now all of that history and patience;
It’s driving you crazy and the traffic is only worse.

You’ve never let a drop of pain seethe this fabric;
Just to make sure that it still looks pristine and beautiful.
Life’s driven you crazy and you ain’t reaching the traffic lights, green to go.
The way you thought patience was the right way to do this;
Now it’s the erratic realisation that you were just feeding bad habits.
The thoughts were still sneaking in, ravaging your soul;
But if I wasn’t in hell, why grieve in the ashes of the bygones?

Now I know that maybe the answer I needed to be seeking was more drastic than I ever realised, my naïve self with its naïve thoughts;
Call it naïve but I know, all I wanted and desired was rest from battle.
Life has left me stressed and rattled, so I just wanted to get away from it all.
Maybe the chains or change that left me shackled were too heavy;
It’s funny though because now they’re the heaviest they’ve ever been.
There’s only one answer to why you were best at dealing with the hassle;
But now the body just can’t find the energy to break these shackles of life.
Now there’s no winning the fight where my minds the enemy;
You feel betrayed by your own eyes because they were blind to your inner peace.

Now all your experience tells you is the complete opposite of your hope;
That you’re consigned to keep falling, consigned to misery and desperation.
You’ve been slashed by how your demons have clawed at you;
Your sleeps now just a façade of your good memories and moments.
You think you can solve it by not breathing at all, but that won’t solve it at all.
I ain’t beating the odds or even keeping up with God;
I’m defeated and flawed, and all I see is a fraud.

You’re now in a familiar place, a dark and soul suffocating place;
A place that you told yourself you’d never come back to.
A place where you loath yourself and where you find yourself in life;
In turn, where you face the worst of your decisions, reasons and convictions.
You’ve never felt it as strongly, never so paralytic and full of regret;
To never have asked for help, even though no help was coming your way.
You were always the only one to ask where your smile had been;
Why rely on others to help you find it when it was gone.
But how wrong you were to not realise that these were your lifelines.
How many dead ends and outcomes where the soul felt banished;
Could have been avoided, so many grievances never felt.

Now I picture my life and the candid's I’ve taken;
Canvassed against the wall of life like a timeline of your life.
Except now none of these photos brings any peace;
They’re of a life you no longer recognise or feel.
What a waste — so many would kill for experiences that you once lived.
Now you find yourself in a situation where you no longer smile;
And the smiles staring back at you are ones you no longer recognise.

You’re not handling the damage that’s piling — you never have;
You used to, but now you are no longer as invincible as age makes you.
It’s become more obvious to what antics and thought you hid;
Away from peering eyes, away from judgement and expectations.
There’s been none before, yet it’s all you saw on this one-man island.
You can’t even vanish on this island anymore, for peace or silence;
You only have yourself to blame to be here, for breaking the bonds of peace and the bridges that give us life — the one’s you can’t even cross anymore.

All the reasons that you gave to others to enter your gate;
They’re still there — don’t forget that.
But you keep telling yourself that they’re no longer there;
Why do this to yourself, why convince yourself the bridges are burnt.
When they were always there, and still are.
You ain’t on thin ice, you’ve just frozen the pond;
And people are still willing from far and wide to come to find you.
Stop questioning if they can hear you or not;
If you make enough noise, they’ll hear you loud and clear.
The only thing you’re doing now is worrying too much;
Now is not the time to worry, but to try and breathe.
Tell the anxiety to stall for a while, it’ll be back soon enough.
Life is a test, and the question that’s harshest to answer at the lowest of points;
Is with an answer that doesn’t soothe the soul, or help the heart.
And this answer is never worthy of any thought or time;
So why ponder over it, why let it drown you in its deep water.

You feel as if your bags are packed, carrying the weights of hard lessons;
There’s no strength anymore to lift the baggage of burdens.
There’s no hope and happiness to life the weights of depression;
Is it hubris or is it stupidity, that you can’t abate its progression?
Maybe it’s time to really cut your ties, to this fate of repression.
God may as well have sent you to hell;
But he didn’t and your still here — still worthy of being saved.
You’re better off forgetting, that life brought you to know no mercy or grace;
If you’re a failure, I can tell you you’re only here on this earth;
To undermine, to keep treading water and making progress;
Whatever the haste and direction, whatever not — it’s still progress.

Dear Father, You’ve thrown me into the darkness again to show me that this son won’t shine;
All I can see is the rocks that help me realise that this is the bottom.
That the deep water only reminds me, what I am good for;
The solemn moods and the darkest of days.
I think I’ve already found the deepest of pits to fall into;
Here I feel like a burden, the only gift being one of solitude.
I can only find whatever little hope;
The little faith to ask that these omens spare me.
Vagaries on which I feel broken and buried;
Although these notions are scary and suffocating.
These deepest waters are one’s where we can still hope;
Barely but enough to keep at this rollercoaster called life.